Tips for Dealing with Technical Support
Odds are, whether you own a PC or a Mac, at some point you’re going to have to contact Technical Support and deal with a TSR. Users of *nix, sit down and shut up, we’re not talking to you. After you’ve done your six hours in purgatory, er, the call queue, here are some tips on dealing with your TSR:
1. Don’t tell us what you’ve already done, we don’t care. - Don’t tell us you’ve already rebooted the computer, checked the connections, and/or installed the latest drivers. Experience tells us that you are lying. Even if you weren’t lying, in most cases, we are required by policy to run you through the most basic and mundane fixes to your problem, so why waste our time by rattling off a whole list of things you’re just going to have to do over again?
2. Don’t complain about your time in the call queue. - We know you’ve spent hours in the queue. We know this because we just dealt with the forty-six people ahead of you who swore up, down, and sideways that they had already done all the troubleshooting steps we were asking them to perform. Besides, even if the queue wasn’t terribly long, we were probably in the middle of something more important than your call, like a game of Team Fortress Classic.
3. Don’t be offended by our air of superiority. - Because let’s face it, we’re better than you. If we weren’t, you’d have solved your own problem and you wouldn’t be stuck in the call queue waiting for us to finish our game of TFC. Don’t get us wrong, we don’t think you are a witless mouth-breather (most of the time). Its very nice that you have a doctorate in rocket science. You can be smug and superior when we call you for help with our rocket ship. Until then, shut up and do as you are told.
4. Don’t be vague; attempt to converse intelligently. - The first thought that pops into our head when your complaint is “my thing that does stuff isn’t working” is that you should probably consult with a professional urologist. The second thought that pops into our head is that you are a witless mouth-breather. Take the time to look at the documentation and at least try to identify parts by their proper names. USB adapter instead of “cable thingy”, etc.
5. Listen to your mother, don’t lie. - You know you broke it, we know you broke it, don’t make matters worse by insulting our intelligence. If you own up to the fact that you didn’t bother reading the sticker inside the packaging marked “IMPORTANT! READ ME FIRST!” odds are we’ll take pity on you. Otherwise, we’re just going to make your life miserable for wasting our time. This is what perma-hold is for. Enjoy our selection of 80’s power ballads.
6. Do control your temper. - We know you are frustrated. We know that your frustration was compounded by the fact that we turned the call center phones off for two and a half hours so we could could watch pirated movies on the Internet. However, don’t take your frustration out on us. You need us. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be calling. Bitching us out, questioning our skills, or threatening to talk to our “manager” is only going to result in us subtly convincing you to format your hard drive, scratch all your install media, and burn out your LCD. You’ve been warned.
Everything you never wanted to know about me, but didn't care to ask: I am an ersatz fiction author, photographer, jewelry designer, and computer geek.